I have the privilege of talking to a lot of people who have had one or more traumatic events in their lives that have sent them into this downward spiral of self-loathing. From the outside looking in, these people seem to be at the top of their game… perceived success in virtually every area of their lives from money to family and beyond. Then there are others who seem that no matter how hard they try, they cannot seem to get ahead. They work hard, they pray a lot, they give. It seems that God is somehow against them. I see people who have been so beaten down by life that they cannot stand up straight any more.

I had an interesting impromptu conversation with my Grandma Orvin the other day. For those of you who do not know this woman, she is a force to be reckoned with. She is from a generation who truly knew poverty and hunger. She grew up in the depression with lots of brothers and sisters. She and my late-Grandpa were pioneering Pentecostal ministers in the South. They were ridiculed and persecuted. Her first child (my uncle Perry) lost his left eye to cancer at age 2, then died from the same cancer at 34. Her 2nd child (my mom) was deathly sick the first two years of her life. It is a miracle that she made it. Aren’t you glad, though, cause I would not be here!

She is a formidable woman. She is one of those people who prays, and keeps praying until an answer is given. I will always remember as a child hearing her pray for hours, laying face down on the floor of her bedroom.

In this impromptu conversation, we started talking about self-esteem. This was on Wednesday afternoon, and I had just had a long day of counseling. She said something that I found to be interesting. She told me that she has a tremendous amount of faith that God will meet everyone’s needs. She has never doubted that God would and could move heaven and earth for everyone… except her. She has never believed that she was good enough or special enough for God to move in her life. She was never smart enough, attractive enough, or like-able enough for people to care about her or appreciate her abilities. She looks back at her life and is amazed at all that has happened and how blessed she is. And she wonders how it all happened with all of her inadequacies.

I have never really heard her talk like that. She is one of my heroes… a woman of strength and uncompromising faith and commitment to God and her fellow humanity. She has given all of herself to the cause of Christ her entire life with no complaint, only glory to God. When I heard her talking about her own insecurities, I heard my own voice. I heard my mother’s voice. I heard how these kinds of destructive lies are passed along though generations of the most well-meaning and devout people, and not just people who are walking time bombs.

It is amazing what we believe about ourselves, and the kinds of people we allow to be a part of our lives, no matter how much they have hurt us or torn us down. We have been scarred by others who were so hurt and broken themselves, and we choose to believe those things spoken to and over us rather than the truth of Christ. He has created each of us to be powerful men and women of God. He has afforded us grace and mercy that we could never deserve, and loves us so much. Often we can only see the mess. He ALWAYS sees the possibilities.

Grandma gave me some great advice. It is time to see ourselves as God sees us… and to stop believing the true lies.

Putting myself out there is a hard thing to do. I have been rejected so many times… on so many levels that sometimes it makes me sick to remember. I was called viscious names early in life because I am not good at sports, as well as for other reasons I was oblivious to then. It was not until I was in COLLEGE that I began to come into my own and shed some of the weight of that… to know what being a man REALLY is. Even to this day I still struggle with confidence because of it and find myself on the needy side all too often with my closest friends. (Yes, my facade of confidence is a complete JOKE!) =)

Know what I have learned through all of this? I am not alone… the circumstances might be different for others, but the results are similar. We have all been hurt. But we can help each other clean the wounds and actually HEAL! I know that it took my best friend to snap me out of my own self-loathing that others had knowingly or unknowingly “helped” me develop. I am determined to repay that favor by doing the same thing for as many as I can. Real, true, open and honest relationship changed who I am and how I see myself. It can do the same for you. It may hurt a little, maybe even a lot, in the beginning. True honesty is a contact sport! But as with any muscle that you start working out for the first time, it will eventually get stronger and make you more powerful overall.

It is time to stop pretending everything is ok all the time. Life is messy… have I said that enough?