Loving others more than ourselves…

Loving others more than ourselves… it’s really important. I read lots of blogs, have a decent social media presence, listen to sermons online, devour all kinds of news outlets and interact with all kinds of folks. One of the trends in the “talk” of preachers (really good ones) and other folks who wear the banner of “Christian” is to constantly refer to those who “stab you in the back”, aren’t “real friends”, “hold you back”, aren’t “there for you”, etc. The next logical step in these trains of thought is to give themselves (and everyone else) permission to run away from those kinds of people, leave them behind, whatever. After all, they don’t really care about you, right? I’m seeing it everywhere. It seems odd to me and taking the self-help thing a bit too far. In a vibrant, real and Godly community of Faith, mature believers should be focused far more on being there for and serving others. Anything else seems like an immature, selfish mentality. Will we be hurt, betrayed, abandoned? Yes, but Jesus was, too, as were the apostles and martyrs of the Faith. Yet… they continued their journey of serving, encouraging and being there for others, ultimately giving their very lives. There isn’t much evidence of them whining about being betrayed, folks not listening when they complained, etc. 

Do we have times where we need to lean and rely on others? Definitely… all the time. Do we need good, completely mutual friends? Absolutely… I have several. Perhaps if our focus was BEING one, we’d HAVE more. If we were more concerned about supporting and serving OTHERS, wouldn’t that naturally solve the problem? Seems that the root of these issues is that we don’t like what’s being said to us, how we’re being challenged or our own perceived needs (AKA wants), so we run away and call it self-preservation. Do we need to surround ourselves with people who speak life into us? Yes. We should remember, though, that speaking life doesn’t always feel good in the moment. Rather than being with folks who make us feel good all the time, we need to be around others who love us enough to help us get better every day, whatever that may look like on any given day. We can’t blame the “enemy” for our choices, but there’s nothing he likes more than exploiting thin skin that causes broken relationship.

I love being surrounded by folks who challenge me to grow in my faith, relationships, etc. They don’t allow me to wallow in my own self-pity because they know I’m stronger than that, no matter how I feel at the moment. They tell me the truth (in love), whether I want to hear it or not. I’m stronger because of them. When I’m wrong, they tell me I’m wrong. When I’m right, they tell me that, too, and celebrate all life’s victories with me. They’re the very embodiment of the Holy Spirit enabling me to get passed my own issues and not allow them to control me. After all, the Spirit’s not properly discerned in isolation, but in community. That’s the kind of person I aim to be. I know what it’s done for me. I’m a better man… and getting even better, every day.

True Lies

No, this is not going to be a blog about Ah-nald.

I have the privilege of talking to a lot of people who have had one or more traumatic events in their lives that have sent them into this downward spiral of self-loathing. From the outside looking in, these people seem to be at the top of their game… perceived success in virtually every area of their lives from money to family and beyond. Then there are others who seem that no matter how hard they try, they cannot seem to get ahead. They work hard, they pray a lot, they give. It seems that God is somehow against them. I see people who have been so beaten down by life that they cannot stand up straight any more.

I had an interesting impromptu conversation with my Grandma Orvin the other day. For those of you who do not know this woman, she is a force to be reckoned with. She is from a generation who truly knew poverty and hunger. She grew up in the depression with lots of brothers and sisters. She and my late-Grandpa were pioneering Pentecostal ministers in the South. They were ridiculed and persecuted. Her first child (my uncle Perry) lost his left eye to cancer at age 2, then died from the same cancer at 34. Her 2nd child (my mom) was deathly sick the first two years of her life. It is a miracle that she made it. Aren’t you glad, though, cause I would not be here!

She is a formidable woman. She is one of those people who prays, and keeps praying until an answer is given. I will always remember as a child hearing her pray for hours, laying face down on the floor of her bedroom.

In this impromptu conversation, we started talking about self-esteem. This was on Wednesday afternoon, and I had just had a long day of counseling. She said something that I found to be interesting. She told me that she has a tremendous amount of faith that God will meet everyone’s needs. She has never doubted that God would and could move heaven and earth for everyone… except her. She has never believed that she was good enough or special enough for God to move in her life. She was never smart enough, attractive enough, or like-able enough for people to care about her or appreciate her abilities. She looks back at her life and is amazed at all that has happened and how blessed she is. And she wonders how it all happened with all of her inadequacies.

I have never really heard her talk like that. She is one of my heroes… a woman of strength and uncompromising faith and commitment to God and her fellow humanity. She has given all of herself to the cause of Christ her entire life with no complaint, only glory to God. When I heard her talking about her own insecurities, I heard my own voice. I heard my mother’s voice. I heard how these kinds of destructive lies are passed along though generations of the most well-meaning and devout people, and not just people who are walking time bombs.

It is amazing what we believe about ourselves, and the kinds of people we allow to be a part of our lives, no matter how much they have hurt us or torn us down. We have been scarred by others who were so hurt and broken themselves, and we choose to believe those things spoken to and over us rather than the truth of Christ. He has created each of us to be powerful men and women of God. He has afforded us grace and mercy that we could never deserve, and loves us so much. Often we can only see the mess. He ALWAYS sees the possibilities.

Grandma gave me some great advice. It is time to see ourselves as God sees us… and to stop believing the true lies.

Life is messy

So why do we pretend that it is not? We are all afraid of opening up and being who we are… exposing all of our hurt and mess, along with our joy and excitement. We are afraid that if people REALLY knew who we are they would reject us… and some may have rejected you in the past for this very reason. However, we have made a strategic decision to be a part of a community where we value openness and reality. The reality is that we all have things in our lives that we wish we could change. It is ridiculous for us to dwell on or compare our mess being somehow messier than the person sitting across the room. Mess is mess. The quickest way to clean up any mess is to get someone to help you do it. The more the better… Trust is a difficult thing for most of us. We have all been betrayed and hurt in the past, some worse than others. However, does it really do us any good to remain closed off to real, life-changing relationship because some other insecure, wounded person wounded us, too? Is it any surprise the cycle continues?

Putting myself out there is a hard thing to do. I have been rejected so many times… on so many levels that sometimes it makes me sick to remember. I was called viscious names early in life because I am not good at sports, as well as for other reasons I was oblivious to then. It was not until I was in COLLEGE that I began to come into my own and shed some of the weight of that… to know what being a man REALLY is. Even to this day I still struggle with confidence because of it and find myself on the needy side all too often with my closest friends. (Yes, my facade of confidence is a complete JOKE!) =)

Know what I have learned through all of this? I am not alone… the circumstances might be different for others, but the results are similar. We have all been hurt. But we can help each other clean the wounds and actually HEAL! I know that it took my best friend to snap me out of my own self-loathing that others had knowingly or unknowingly “helped” me develop. I am determined to repay that favor by doing the same thing for as many as I can. Real, true, open and honest relationship changed who I am and how I see myself. It can do the same for you. It may hurt a little, maybe even a lot, in the beginning. True honesty is a contact sport! But as with any muscle that you start working out for the first time, it will eventually get stronger and make you more powerful overall.

It is time to stop pretending everything is ok all the time. Life is messy… have I said that enough?